Sweet Emotion
by FicreaderT
Summary: A short one-shot going back to season 6. My take on Steve's thoughts in episode 6.17 when he learned the real reason Catherine left Hawaii at the end of 6.03 and discovered where she'd actually gone. Catherine doesn't actually appear in the story, but is mentioned extensively.


_Author's Note: After watching episode 6.17, where Steve tracks down a Russian spy to save Catherine's life, I wanted to delve into Steve's emotions and originally started writing this after that episode first aired. Unfortunately, though, my muse deserted me for a while and this sat unfinished on my computer until I got another McRoll fix when Catherine returned in the 150_ _th_ _episode. My creative juices started flowing again so I dug this story up, dusted it off and pretty much finished it, except for one part that just wouldn't cooperate. And then I got busy again and this was left on my computer, still unfinished. But recently I started working on a new story which prompted me to revisit this one, and I was finally able to get the problem scene right, so here's the finished product._

 _Since this is a coda for the aforementioned episode it obviously contains spoilers for that episode (and 6.03) as well as situations and dialogue that were taken directly from the show. I can only take credit for my interpretation on Steve's thoughts and feelings, some additional dialogue and one short Steve/Danny scene I added because I would like to have seen it. Anything you recognize from the episode belongs to the genius of those who are responsible for the show we all enjoy._

 _Although I've re-read this many, many times over the months since I started it I'm pretty excited to finally be done with it so I'm going to post without a final obsessive double check. So, there are probably mistakes, but they are all my own so please forgive any errors you may find._

 _The title is taken from the Aerosmith song that plays leading up to the episode's pivotal take down._

* * *

 **Sweet Emotion**

Steve entered the blue room like a man on a mission because that's exactly what he was.

"Tell me again," he said forcefully. "Tell me again you're the only one who knows how to unlock those files. "

"What?" Chris Dalton, the target of McGarrett's question, was taken aback by the man's intensity. Dalton was an employee of Sillex Labs, a private contractor for the NSA. Dalton had used his security clearance to steal from his employer a list of deep cover field operatives and their cover identities. Information which was very, very dangerous in the wrong hands, and had now fallen into the possession of a foreign intelligence agent who was in a position to do serious damage.

Due to his time in Naval Intelligence, Steve understood more than most how perilous the situation was for all the American intelligence operatives who were at risk of being identified. And, since it was the Russians who were currently in possession of the data, the danger was initially greatest for those operatives embedded in that region or involved with Russia in any way.

"What what?!" McGarrett didn't have time to play Mr. Nice Guy with this idiot and his tone left no room for argument. "Listen to me, all right? Somebody very important to me is at risk because what you have done."

Steve didn't even think before he spoke and was a little surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth. But, Catherine Rollins' life was on the line. And the truth of it was he would do whatever he had to do to save her. No questions asked.

Yet he felt like his head was swimming. Twenty minutes earlier it'd had been a day like any other; they were working a case and he'd been in this very room, questioning Dalton just like he was now. It could have been a bit of déjà vu, really. Except everything had changed when Danny called him and asked if he could come upstairs.

* * *

 _He had exited the blue room and made his way up to the bullpen, entering through the double glass doors. The team was working on locating Anna Novick, the Russian spy who had posed as Dalton's girlfriend to convince him to illegally download the black ops information. Regrettably, she was also the individual currently in possession of the flash drive which contained the data so it was imperative that they find her, and soon._

 _Danny gave him the sitrep and unfortunately, there wasn't any good news regarding Novick's location. But Lou let him know they had been able to identify one of her accomplices. Oleg Larionov, former KGB turned private contractor, had taken a bullet during their last firefight and would be in police custody at the hospital once he was out of surgery._

 _"Also," Chin told him, pointing, "you got a visitor." Steve looked up and saw Elliot Brenner, the liaison from Sillex Labs, waiting in his office so he headed that way._

 _"Brenner," Steve greeted the man._

 _"Commander. Sorry to barge in like this, but this couldn't wait."_

 _"Oh, no problem. What's up?"_

 _"Our engineers were able to identify which files Chris downloaded. The good news is any field ops that have been mentioned have been shut down. Most of the agents have been recalled. The bad news is there are still a few deep cover operatives who, at the moment, can't be reached."_

 _"All right." Steve said, feeling slightly relieved to know that steps were being taken. Plus, he had another positive development to add. "Well, you'll be happy to hear that Dalton took steps to encode those files on that drive in such a way that only he can access them. So, for now, the information is safe."_

 _Brenner nodded. "That is good to hear." He replied. "Of course, no encryption is foolproof. The people that are behind this will throw everything they have into breaking it."_

 _"I'm sure you're right." Steve agreed. "But at least we've bought ourselves some time to find them. At the very least, time to find those operatives who were potentially compromised now and pull them out of the field."_

 _"Actually, that's why I'm here. You might be able to help with that."_

 _"How so?" Steve asked and crossed his arms defensively, thinking this was going to be about Doris._

 _"Your name came in up connection with one of the operatives. The CIA's been desperate, trying to reach her, but they've had no luck. I think everyone's hoping you might have a direct line."_

 _It was like rubbing salt in an open wound, his mother had returned to the CIA to avoid giving Steve answers he'd desperately wanted and he'd been unable to locate her for years. Now the CIA had the nerve to ask if he could help them find her?_

 _He was more than a little irritated and it was reflected in his tone as he answered. "All right, Brenner, I don't know where Doris is, okay?"_

 _"I'm not talking about your mother, Commander. I'm talking about Lt. Catherine Rollins."_

 _"What?" Steve asked, his irritation shifting to confusion. Catherine? Why were the CIA and NSA trying to find Catherine?_

 _"Apparently, she's called you a few times from a sat phone," Brenner told him._

 _"Yeah, she's, uh, she's doing aid work in South Asia." Steve didn't know where this was going but his instincts told him he wasn't going to like it._

 _"According to the information that we have, she's involved in a clandestine operation in Kiev."_

 _"Ukraine?" Steve's shock and disbelief was evident on his face._

 _"Yes."_

 _He felt like the universe had tilted on its ear as a wall of emotion slammed into him like a freight train. He was struggling to wrap his mind around what he'd just learned and barely registered Brenner saying she wasn't scheduled to check in with her handler until the end of the week. Handler? Catherine, his Catherine, had a handler? She was supposed to be doing aid work in Nepal, not working undercover for the CIA in what was currently one of the world's most dangerous hot spots._

 _Steve felt his heart rate increasing as his stomach jumped into his throat and he tried to swallow the lump it left. Adrenaline coursed through his body and his brain kicked into overdrive. Catherine was in danger. Her life was on the line and suddenly nothing else mattered. Not that she'd ripped his heart out twice. Or that she'd lied to him. Or that he'd been trying to get over her, to move on with his life. None of that mattered anymore as all the feelings he thought he'd buried came flooding back. And he was terrified._

 _Even though he'd felt protective over her from pretty much the moment they'd met he'd always known and respected that she was capable at taking care of herself. But this… this was a danger she wouldn't, couldn't see coming. No. He had to protect her from this. He had to stop this now, because the end of the week would be too late. He was sure of it._

 _"Commander?"_

 _Steve heard Brenner address him and realized the man was trying to get his attention. He shoved everything he was feeling into a little compartment in his brain so he could regain focus and looked up at the other man._

 _"Do you have a direct line to Lieutenant Rollins?" Brenner inquired._

 _Steve hesitated to answer. "No," he replied, "No, I don't." Which meant there was no way to warn her and that was unacceptable; there was no other option but to recover the data and eliminate the threat. "So that means we have no other option but to find that drive. If you'll excuse me, I need to get back to Dalton."_

 _He took his leave and called Danny to follow him, which his partner did without uttering a word._

 _Of course, this only lasted until they were alone in the elevator at which point the shorter man crossed his arms and fixed the SEAL with a look._

 _"Steve? What did he say to you that's got your panties in a bunch?"_

 _Steve sighed. Somehow saying it aloud made it feel that much more real, but he knew he couldn't keep it from Danny – the man knew him far too well._

 _"It's Catherine, Danny. The data that was stolen is a NOC list of deep cover operatives working for the CIA in foreign countries. Catherine's one of those people and she's in Kiev."_

 _"Wait," Danny interrupted, holding up his hands, "What's a NOC list? And I thought Catherine was in India, or something."_

 _"Nepal. And yeah, I thought so, too." He sighed, not really wanting to go into details, but knowing Danny deserved the information. "NOC means non-official cover. It means she's working for the CIA-" he held up his hand to halt the interruption he saw coming. "I don't know how and I don't know why, but apparently, she's undercover in the Ukraine and they haven't been to reach her to pull her out. She's not scheduled to check in with her handler until the end of the week and Brenner wanted to know if I have a direct line to her, but I don't. And I… I…" He put his hands on his hips and looked around, helplessly._

 _Danny put his hand on Steve's shoulder. "Hey." He waited for his partner to look at him. "We are going to figure this out. All right? You know I have your back. Whatever you need, you know that, right?"_

 _Steve nodded and exhaled. "Yeah. Thanks, Danny."_

 _The elevator chimed its arrival and the door opened. Danny looked at Steve once more. "You okay to go in there?"_

 _"Yeah. I'm good. Let's do this." He had no other choice. Somebody he obviously still cared deeply about was at risk and his new mission was to save her._

* * *

"Now, tell me you're the only one who can unlock those files," he demanded of Dalton.

"Yes, yes…"

"Are you sure?" He couldn't believe Catherine's fate was in the hands of this computer geek but Chris Dalton was the best option he had at the moment.

"Yes."

"Are you _sure_?" he asked again. If he was going to have to put his faith in this guy he was going to be damn sure the kid knew what he was doing.

"Yes. I encrypted the file with a 128-bit AES key and I, uh, tacked on a few additional security measures. Tr-trust me, it is secure. I am the only person that, um… Trust me, it's, uh…" Dalton's eye's appeared glassy, unfocused.

"Hey." Steve looked at Danny. Was his partner noticing it, too?

Danny responded, "What the hell's the matter with him?"

Dalton appeared drugged, but how? He had been fine when he was brought in, what was causing the reaction now? Steve realized too late there was gas being pumped into the room and he was going to succumb to it. He called out for his partner but the smaller man was already on the floor.

* * *

Steve returned to consciousness slowly and recalled where he was and what he had been doing. Although he wasn't at all surprised to discover Dalton was gone it still made his gut clench.

"Danny, you all right?" he called out.

"What the hell happened?" The other man replied, groggily.

"I don't know. I'm thinking… it must have been Fentanyl. The Russians used to use it. They must have put it into aerosol form and piped it through the vents."

He saw his partner rise to a standing position and worried Danny was going to face plant if he moved too fast. "Hey, take it easy, take it easy." Steve's heart sank just a little as he spoke his next words. "It's been 40 minutes. They're long gone."

But Danny's movements didn't falter. "Dalton might be halfway off the island now."

Steve couldn't help the rush of gratitude he felt for his best friend in that moment. He knew Danny wasn't the biggest fan of Catherine's after the way she had left, especially since it was on the very same day she had reassured the blonde man she wanted nothing more than to stay on the island with Steve. But, despite that, he would do anything to help keep her safe just because he knew, and didn't question, what she meant to his dark-haired partner.

They made their way back up to the bullpen where Lou, Chin and Kono seemed to have just regained consciousness as well. Lou went to check on the others in the building and Steve had Kono pull up the security footage. They ascertained the Russian operative had been working alone and Kono set to work tracking her route using traffic cameras. But Steve couldn't wait – he knew they had to find her before she forced Dalton to decrypt the drive. And there was only one person he could think of who might know where she was headed – Oleg Larionov, the accomplice in custody at the hospital.

"Danny, grab some earplugs," he told his partner.

"Why?"

"'Cause you're gonna need 'em."

"That's not really an answer," Danny grumbled, but followed his partner out of the bullpen nonetheless.

* * *

On the way to King's Medical Center Steve filled Danny in on his plan to get a location. And, true to his word, Danny held his tongue and had Steve's back; standing guard outside the man's hospital room and keeping SWAT from interfering once they hear the gunshot Steve fired within.

The location obtained, Steve set out for Anna's safe house in his truck running lights and sirens, but no matter how fast he drove it wasn't fast enough. It was torture for him. With each mile that passed he wondered how much of a head start Anna had – did she already have Dalton working on the decryption? How long would it take to complete? And was the man stalling for time at all?

Steve also considered what he would do if he failed to recover the data. What his next steps would be if they couldn't get the drive. He knew even if he hopped a plan to Kiev he would likely be too late, but he would _have_ to try. Because he would never be able to forgive himself if he didn't.

He thought back to the last time he had seen Catherine, spoken to her. How the day had started… She had awakened him before sunrise to make love and afterwards, as they lay in bed together he had felt more contentment than he ever thought possible. Having her back in his life had made him so incredibly happy and he had finally been willing to fully embrace that. He would propose, she would accept and they would be married. He had been looking forward to being a husband and having a wife.

Steve shook his head. Where had everything go so very, very wrong? That same afternoon, barely 12 hours later, he had arrived home with an engagement ring in his pocket to find her on the front porch, waiting to say goodbye. She had told him she needed something more than what a relationship could give her. He wondered now how much of that was true and how much of that was her cover.

She had also told him if she could be in two places at once she would. She had seemed so sincere. Was it possible she really would rather have stayed with him? Was what the CIA offered her really so attractive that she would choose the job over him, or was it something else forcing her away?

Maybe he hadn't made enough of an effort? He had always thought she understood the importance of the job and didn't resent the amount of time it took him away from her. But maybe it had been different after she returned from Afghanistan without a job of her own and very little else to occupy her time. She'd never been good at being idle and he knew that. Should he have spent more time and energy to put her first?

It didn't matter now. Maybe it never would. Regret rushed through him at the way he had left things with her. She had told him she loved him, would always love him, and he had returned neither the sentiment nor her heartfelt embrace. But at the time he couldn't reciprocate because he had been trying to hide from her the enormous pain of his heart breaking yet again.

But now, in the present, everything looked different. What if that had been the last opportunity he would ever have to hold her in his arms, and to tell her he cared? He wanted to hit someone, something. He needed a physical release for his emotions but there was no outlet in the cab of his truck. He hit the steering wheel with the palm of his right hand and threw himself backward into his seat in frustration as he let loose a string of expletives.

He forced himself to find his center, to refocus on the mission, because that was the job and at the moment the job was to save Catherine's life. There was _nothing_ more important.

When he arrived at the safe house he was tempted to just go in guns blazing, but he knew he needed to wait for backup. As they stood behind the Camaro gearing up he was thankful for his team as they and SWAT came together exactly as planned with no delays. They were able to subdue the Russian operative quickly and Steve turned his attention to Dalton, praying they weren't too late.

"Where's the information?" he demanded of the computer tech. "Where's the information?" he demanded again, his volume increasing. "Is it safe?"

Dalton, stunned by a flash grenade and again frightened by the SEAL's intensity, could only nod in response.

"Give it to me. Give it to me!"

Dalton removed the flash drive from the computer and handed it to Steve. The minute it was placed in his hand the commander felt the knot in his gut loosen, like he could breathe deeply for the first time since he had learned Catherine's life was in danger.

He checked the drive and found it did indeed contain an encrypted file that had not been accessed; his instinct told him they had succeeded and Catherine was safe. Well, as safe as she could be given her situation and the part of the world she was in.

* * *

He left the clean-up to his team and SWAT and made his way outside the house to stand down by the water, something that typically helped center him. He was having trouble wrapping his mind around what he'd learned in the last few hours and how he was supposed to feel. Angry? Hurt? Sad? Relieved? A combination of all of them?

He was angry that Catherine had joined the CIA, and that she had lied to him about it for who knows how long. He was also angry that when given an ultimatum she'd selected her job over her future with him.

But he now felt remorse for insisting she choose between him and her job. Had he known the truth at the time he probably would have acted differently. But if he was being fair, he hadn't given her the full picture either. She hadn't known exactly what future she was giving up because he'd never told her. He'd waited too long and wasted too much time and he knew that was something he'd always regret.

And it still hurt. Catherine has broken his heart when she left, and it was a pain like he'd never quite experienced before. This wasn't pain from a physical injury that could be dulled with pills and banished with proper medical care; it was a profound loss. Like what he'd felt with the deaths of each of his parents, but on a different level. He'd told himself that he could get through it like he had on too many occasions before, but there were moments when he hadn't been sure it would be possible. Over time, though, it had started to fade and he'd tried to move on. But now, with this case, those feelings were back in force. And they came with the realization that he really wasn't over her at all. He obviously still cared deeply and he had to accept that those feelings would never change.

Danny came to stand beside him and greeted him with a "Hey". Steve knew Danny was trying to get a read on what was going through his partner's head and they stood in companionable silence for a few moments while Steve waited for the pep talk he had a feeling was coming. Although he rarely acknowledged it he did appreciate Danny's unwavering support, especially knowing how the man felt about how Catherine had departed the last time.

"Catherine's safe," Danny finally said with a sort of congratulatory arm movement to punctuate his words.

Steve half nodded, half shrugged. "Well, I mean, she's on a covert op in the Ukraine. I don't know how safe she is."

"Well, you can contact her, right?" Danny asked.

"Nope, not while she's in the field."

"You gonna be angry 'cause she lied to you again or what?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm angry." Steve looked at his partner and then away before continuing, "But you know something, Danny, if I'm honest with myself, I also understand why she did it. I mean, given the circumstances, I probably would have done the same thing."

"Yeah, see, 'cause I think that maybe she just didn't want you worrying about her."

"Little hard not to now."

"I think that she is gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine. She's a very tough lady. She can handle herself. Everything will be okay."

And Steve knew his partner was right. Catherine was more than capable, which was one of the things he loved about her. Would it stop him from worrying? No. But having Danny's support somehow made everything easier to deal with.

"Thanks, Danny," he said, but didn't voice what he added silently in his head: ' _For everything'_.

He knew he was going to continue to worry about Catherine; he couldn't stop himself. But, he realized with a little smile, the fact that he couldn't contact her in the field didn't mean he couldn't try and quietly keep tabs on her.

* * *

 _So, that's it. I hope I did the episode justice! Although I write these stories mostly for myself I post them here for others to read, hopefully enjoy. If you don't mind taking a couple minutes to leave a review I would love to know what you thought. Thanks for reading!_


End file.
